How my family dealt with Our Mama and Our Journey

Today I want to tell you about our journey with our own Mama. There were 5 of us. Four boys and me, the youngest and only girl. We lost our Dad and a brother several years ago.  Our Mama was always the backbone of our family.  I know everyone says “Oh,  I had the best Mama”, but you didn’t because we did!!! I’ve said all of this so that you have an idea of how emotional this was for each of us.  We all came from a different place with our decisions on what we thought was best. 

 My mama went in and out of short term therapy/rehab over the years.  She had pneumonia the first time and then over a period of a few years had a broken knee and both hips.  So, we had some experience with her needing therapy.  Regardless of what any of us thought we knew, none of us were ready to place Mama in an assisted living and certainly not a nursing home.  After another fall at home that all changed.  So, 2 of us were encouraging an assisted living and 2 were dead set against it.  Of course, Mama didn’t want to leave home. 

We were paying sitters to stay with Mama some, but that adds up quick and we were all pitching in to help cover the expense.  Of course, we never told Mama any of that.  As the only one in healthcare, I thought I at least had a better perspective than the others on what was best. Looking back I can tell you that it didn’t matter.  It is different when it is your parent!  I was leaning toward assisted living.  I was afraid for Mama to be at home by herself and I didn’t live in town. I lived 2 hours away and all the boys lived there in town.  Mama would not move in with any of us. So, there we were.  Two with the same opinion that Mama should stay home and two thinking  we needed to do something.  At one point one of my brothers that wanted her home said to me, “I can’t believe you are siding with the other brother.”  I had to explain that I was not siding with anyone but Mama.  I was truly trying to do what I thought would be the best decision for Mama.  The idea that Mama would try to go down the back steps to the trash can, which she did on a regular basis, and fall down the steps was just scary to me.  Of course, my brothers felt like at least she would be at home.  I just couldn’t see letting that be a possibility when I knew we could do something to protect her.  After many arguments and a few hurt feelings, we did all agree to move Mama to an assisted living.  Mama was not all together happy with the decision. 

We found a small assisted living that we did feel like Mama would be very happy with.  We took her to visit and showed her what would be her apartment.  It was a sweet place with a back porch that had a beautiful view and Mama could see out of her apartment to that same view.  There were also a couple of ladies there that our family had known for years.  We got Mama moved in and she seem to settle in nicely.  My sister-in-law went out and hung some pictures and decorated a little for her.  We were able to take her some of her furniture and items that meant a lot to Mama. She would still talk negative whenever I visited but the ladies there said she would come out and visit and have coffee with the others.  They actually said she was a “Social butterfly”.  There was one time I visited and Mama asked me about my oldest brother and if I would tell him to come see her please.  He was an Attorney.  I told her I would.  She went on to tell me that she needed to change her will, implying she was dropping me out!!! We had a few of those conversations!!  I can laugh now, but at the time it was unsettling at best!

Mama had been at the assisted living for a short while and she had a fall in the bathroom.  We ended up in the hospital and it was determined that she had a stroke.  She was never able to really come back from that and then the decision had to be made to move her to the nursing home.  We visited a couple that were there in town.  We did all agree on the same one.  Please know that I tell people this all the time and I told my bothers….it is never just about the bricks and mortar when you are trying to find the best place for your loved one.  You need to have a good feel for staff and see that the other residents living there are happy and clean.  So, Mama was moved from the hospital to the nursing home.  It was not easy but we did feel like she was taken care of and in the best place for her.  After all, that is the goal. 

We all want to feel like we made the right choice and the best choice.  It is never about what is convenient for you or best for you.  We had to remind ourselves of that when we were looking for the assisted living and the nursing home.  It is about what is best for your loved one. What might work for you may not be best for them.  The facility or community closet to you might not be the best place.  I will cover some of those items in another blog.  I also have a list of questions that you should ask when touring different places.  I will share those on my page.  If you need those before they are posted, please reach out and I’ll be glad to email those to you. 

We were blessed that Mama didn’t have to be in the nursing home for a long period of time.  We lost her after about 5 months of being there.  Not that we wouldn’t have kept her another 90 years, but none of us liked seeing her in a wheelchair and confused.  It is never easy and we are all just trying to do our best.  You will have good days and bad and so will your loved one.  Enjoy all the good.  Those are a blessing you will cherish one day.  I hope my story helps you to understand that you are not alone.  No one has this down to a fine art!  Not even a long time Nursing Home Administrator!